MAX Mindfulness – Page 7

MAX Mindfulness: We are like the Other

by Dave Wine, President & CEO

I have mentioned several times about our brains being hardwired to look for dangers. One way we do this is through judgments and comparisons. Again, a lot of this is good – it helps us stay out of danger, creates good habits, makes us aware of what is helpful and unhelpful, etc. But as always, too much of a good thing isn’t helpful. And one of the most harmful ways this manifests is in our relationships with one another. Since our brains are hardwired to make these comparisons, we often lead with “what is wrong with others?” rather than “what is right with others?” Or, we focus on all the ways others are different than we feel ourselves to be, rather than what we have in common.

Then you throw in the news media (which loves to divide), social media, sports team allegiances, countries, states, towns, lifestyles, and all the other things that we believe makes us better or inferior to others, and we quickly gravitate to what divides us rather than what unites. We judge, evaluate, compare, and spend inordinate amounts of time looking for ways others are different. Here is my bold statement: Others are exactly like us! What I mean by that is we all have the same fears, the same insecurities, want the same love and affirmation – we essentially have the same mindsets, the same needs and wants. Our forms (bodies and personalities) are different, but our minds are very much alike. So as we become more mindful and pay attention to our own needs and wants, we can remember others feel those, too. We can begin to look for those things that unite us and join us together rather than focusing on our differences. Differences are mostly form differences. Our minds are joined in great commonality so again, as we experience things mindfully, we can remember that others experience those same things. That leads to appropriate empathy and ways to practice kindness among one another. That does not mean we need to agree with others. But we can disagree and at the same time make sure we are affirming the other person as an equal –- one who shares and needs the same affirmation and support that I want and need in my own life.

Mindfully remembering the things that unite us also helps us live out our MAX value of “believing the best about others first”.

David Wine

David is the President and CEO of the MAX enterprise, having served in that capacity since its formation in 2001. He has forty plus years of leadership experience in the business and faith-based worlds, being an ordained minister, having been elected to the highest position in his denomination, and receiving numerous awards and recognition for his leadership in the insurance industry. He currently serves on numerous boards in the church and insurance sectors. His hobbies include hiking, biking, skiing and snowshoeing as well as being an avid reader. David and his wife, Sharon, have three daughters, a son, and five grandchildren.

MAX Mindfulness: Giving Away Your Power

by Dave Wine, President & CEO

Another benefit of being mindful in our lives is how much it improves our ability to recognize all of the ways we give up our personal power to other people and situations. Whenever we allow another person or situation to determine how we are going to feel, we are giving up our own power and transferring that power to that person or situation. Is that what we really want to do? It is so easy for us to say, “life would be so much better if that person was like this…”, “I could be happy if I wasn’t dealing with…” (insert person or situation), “life just beats me down – it is so unfair” “my work would be fun and rewarding if only…” and so on.

You see, whenever we play out any form of being a victim (which is what we are doing in the instances above), we are transferring our personal power, our ability to choose how we are going to feel, to that other person or situation. Life is going to give us unreasonable people, challenging contexts, thorns along with the roses. So the key question for us is whether we will choose to keep our power or give it away. If we give it away, we will allow those things to determine how we feel and relate. If we keep our power, we will recognize that no matter what, we have and own the power to choose how we are going to feel regardless of the person or situation. It really is our choice – we can keep that power or give it away – no one else has the power of choice in our lives but us.

One thing I have found helpful that I’ve shared before is mindfully saying to myself, ‘I could choose peace rather than this.’ Or another, ‘I could choose to see this differently.’ Saying these to yourself, even out loud, provides just enough space in-between your emotions related to the person or situation to give yourself the recognition that you have a choice. Sometimes you will still opt for feeling bad, angry, or victimized, but even then, you can do that knowing there is another choice you could have made and that you could choose yet to make. Again, the key is not giving your power away.

David Wine

MAX Mindfulness: Which Channel Are You Watching?

by Dave Wine, President & CEO

Life offers up a huge variety pack of experiences, options, challenges, and situations. If we want to experience any sense of peace and contentment within this myriad of “stuff”, we need to find ways to focus on and take responsibility for our thoughts. No thing, no person, no situation has the power in and of themselves/itself to take away our peace – it is our thoughts ABOUT the context that create our emotions. And we own the controls!

One helpful thing for me is imagining I am sitting in front of a TV set watching my life. It has two channels. One is called Love and the other Fear. As my life unfolds I can choose which channel I want to view my life on. Do I want to watch my life through the Fear channel or the Love channel. Regardless of the situation, those are the two channels I can choose, and, in choosing, it makes all the difference in my peace of mind and ability to focus on the moment at hand. I can choose the Fear channel and let all my fears and regrets dominate. And boy, sometimes I am really immersed in that channel. Or I can switch to the Love channel and ask things like, “how would Love see this?” “how would Love depict this scene in my life?” “what would Love do?”, etc.

You can choose to name your channels whatever is most helpful. I use different words – they all can mean the same thing. Love/Fear; God/Ego; Trust/Despair; Christ/Pain. The key is to use the names that will resonate most for you and help remind you in the moment to choose which channel you are going to watch.

David Wine

MAX Mindfulness: Taking Responsibility

By Dave Wine, President & CEO

One of the most difficult lessons for us to learn as human beings is that joy comes from taking full responsibility for ourselves. Ouch! That is not something we do well. We usually look for people, situations, and events to blame for our lack of joy. If only….If we just had….if that person would…. That is called projection – we project blame and responsibility away from ourselves and look for other things/people/situations to make us happy. Yet true joy and happiness can only come from within ourselves; and from our own beliefs, attitudes, and acceptance. When we fight against ‘what is’, we create depression, anxiety and fear. When we fully accept life as it comes to us, and accept full responsibility for our own feelings, beliefs and situations, that is really when we are in alignment and that alignment creates joy. It is a state of allowing or we could say, grace, or forgiveness. All of the great spiritual teachings point to this state of allowing as being “the God state” – that is, when our spirits are most aligned with God/Spirit, when we don’t look for happiness as coming from outside ourselves, but within ourselves which is when we are most aligned with God/Spirit/Higher Power – whatever words are most helpful for you to use. For me, personally, I call it Christ Consciousness – when I am most able to allow, forgive, express joy, and be loving and lovable.

We love our myths – Santa Claus, Fairy tales, the Easter Bunny. They are all attempts by us to find fulfillment away from ourselves and hope that “somebody” or “something” will shower gifts on us, give us what we want, reward us for behavior, make us happy, etc. The thing that really matters, however, is total self-responsibility that understands that it is our own state of mind (mindfulness) that leads to peace and joy. So we alone control our feelings, our thoughts, and our joy – somebody, something, or some situation does not control us or need to cause us to feel a certain way. Full responsibility is really freedom (because we own the control for how we feel) and so freedom is joy, but it is again the hardest lesson for us to learn. I am still learning it!!

David Wine

MAX Mindfulness: “Flow with Current”

By Dave Wine, President & CEO

In an earlier mindfulness communication I shared that I would write more about “letting go” which is also tied very closely to forgiveness. Probably the most important area we can ‘let go’ is our need to change everything and everybody, even those things we can’t possible change! We seem to have a particularly hard time of letting go of the need to change others whether it be our parents, children, spouse, co-workers, or others.

It is very important to understand the difference between influence and control. We can influence others. We can’t change them, however. Only we can change ourselves. Our spouse, co-workers and others can certainly influence us and we can influence them. The owner of change, however, is each person and if someone doesn’t want to change, nothing we do can change that! Indeed, the harder we try to change someone, the more likely they will not! We spend inordinate amounts of energy trying to do the impossible!

So a huge step towards peace is to let go of wanting to control others and wanting to change others. We are rowing upstream. Instead “flow with current” which means focusing first on ourselves, the only person we can change. As we become more compassionate, affirming, loving, and helpful our influence with others grows but remember the difference between influence and control/change.

Oh if I could only learn the lessons I teach!

Dave

David Wine